Saddness

Today was a crappy day.  Nothing about it went as I thought it would.  I got up this morning expecting to bring home my baby girl and instead spent the afternoon digging her grave.

It all started when the animal hospital called me at 8:00 am and asked if I was coming to pick up Lucaya.  I told them that I was actually just getting ready to call them to see if I was able to come pick her up.  That is when they told me that they close at 8:00 am and the pick is from 7:00 to 7:30 am.  "What?  No one told me that."  I told them I would be on my way as soon as my father in law could get here to be with Lincoln and Payton.  They said the would be there until 9:00.  I immediately called to set up an appointment with my regular vet as instructed by the doctor the night before as we would need to get Lucaya on a medication regimen.

When I got to the hospital I found out that she wasn't intended to come home with me and that she was intended to be a transfer.  I was told she still had her IV catheter in and that she was due for her pain medication.  (they had been giving it to her every 4 - 6 hours and the last time she had it was 1:00 am.)  Why hadn't they given her any more?

Came home.  Picked up the kids and headed down to Gilroy.  My friend Aimee was able to watch Payton and Lincoln while I took Lucaya in.  As soon as I took Lucaya out of the cage for the technician I knew it wasn't good.  This was a cat in pain, this was not a cat that was improving and ready to go home.

The technician took Lucaya's weight and temp and then left to get the vet who was reviewing her chart.  I just started bawling.  I knew what he was going to tell me.  All I could do was hold her, cry, and tell how sorry I was and how much I loved her.  I called my mom and asked her if she could come because I couldn't do it by myself.  I think I also needed my mom to tell me it was OK to let her go.

The people at the clinic were very kind to me and let me wait for about 30 minutes for my mother to get there.  During that 30 minutes I was able to just sit with Lucaya curled up on my lap and just pet her like in the old days before kids took over my lap.

I know it was the right thing to do but it hurts so much and I feel like and emotional wreck.

Trying to explain this to Payton has been really hard.  When we picked up Payton and Lincoln from Aimee's house,  she got in the car and saw the cat carrier and told my mom the Lucaya was sick and had to go to the doctor.  I told her that Lucaya had been very sick and had gone to live with Heavenly Father but that she wasn't sick anymore and that she was happy .  To which she responded, "Oh, she won't scratch Heavenly Father." and "Well, when she gets better she can come back to live with us." I told her that she was not going to be coming back, Payton started bawling saying she wanted her kitty and that she wanted to pet her and give her a kiss to make her feel better.  Mom and I started bawling again.

Several times through out the day Payton asked about Lucaya and started crying.  Each time the conversation taking a little bit of a twist.  Last night Dave finally told her that Lucaya had died and that she wasn't coming back.  Payton just stopped and said, "Daddy that's so silly..."  Huh?

We were able to bury her in my parent's backyard under their Camellia tree/bush.  It is a nice peaceful spot.

Missy Roo you will be missed.