Monday, August 8, 2011


Boy these past couple of months have certainly been an adventure for our family.  It all started in the beginning of June when I found out I was pregnant with baby number 3.  Yay!

All the excitement was immediately followed by the most horrible nausea I have ever experienced in my entire life.  June and July were me pretty much in a nausea fog.  Wherever I was I always had mapped out where the closest bathroom or garbage can was just in case.

I was prescribed Zofran for the nausea.  The nurse at the doctor's office called it "gold" and said it worked great.  After a couple of weeks of taking it and still being nauseated 24/7 I decided I was going to stop taking it.  I figured it wasn't helping anyway so why take it.  Boy was that a mistake.  The day I didn't take it I was not only nauseated but couldn't get up from a horizontal position and when I did I was hoovering over sinks or garbage cans until I could lay down again.  I decided to keep taking the Zofran.

Working out.  Ha!  Ha! What's that?  Eating healthy.  Ha!  Ha!  Not happening.  This baby wants nothing to do with anything good for me or it.  That is OK I gave up and decided to let future Kimberly worry about it.

Friday July 29th

I have an appointment with my doctor to do a Nuchal Translucency Test.  When I arrive to the appointment the office staff says "Oops, we scheduled you two days too early.  You are 11 weeks, 1 day and you need to be at least 11 weeks, 3 days.  Can we reschedule you for next week?"  I think I handled myself well but inside I was so frustrated.  I had a baby sitter and everything.  Arghhh!

Tuesday, August 2nd

I am back for the Nuchal Translucency Test.  I have learned there is a narrow window of time that they can do this test and in the back of my head I am laughing, thinking they are probably going to tell me I waited too long to do this test. 

Doctor Pollard comes in, we chat for a little while about the pregnancy thus far and then she transitions with the normal, "Well, let's take a look at baby."  Unfortunately, she is unable to get a good look at the baby with the abdominal ultrasound.  Saying my uterus is tipped back or something and that she is going to have to do the "other" kind of ultrasound.

As she starts the "other" ultrasound she has a concerned look on her face but doesn't really say anything.  However, the first thing I notice is that I don't see a heartbeat and as she continues with the ultrasound I try to remember back to my other pregnancies.  Do you always see the heartbeat?  We see the baby's head, arms, legs...  That is when she says that she is concerned that she is not seeing a heartbeat.  As she continues to look she says "by this time you will see the baby moving around and your baby just isn't moving".  After a few minutes she apologizes, says she wasn't expecting this, and then tells me that the fetus has died.  She said it looks like it just happened over the last couple of days.  Probably over the weekend.

I sit there in shock.  What the heck just happened?  There were no signs that anything was wrong.  No cramping.  No bleeding.  Nothing.

So many thoughts are going through my head.  I can't stop crying.  I feel very awkward about my pregnancy symptoms.  How can I be feeling this way if my baby has died?  I tell Dave that I just want this to be over.  I feel like I am not going to be able to start getting past this until the baby is out of me.  It seems like everything about me is a reminder that I am pregnant.

Wednesday, August 3rd

Dave and I go in to do another ultrasound to verify that there is no heartbeat.  It is confirmed.  D & C is scheduled.

I don't want to be by myself.  Every time I am by myself I start crying.  I need distraction.  My dad comes over to help Dave to give me a blessing.  We go out to dinner with Michelle.  I stay up watching movies until 2 or so in the morning.  Can't sleep.

Thursday, August 4th

We get up and head over to the hospital for the D & C.  Surprisingly, I am not too nervous about the procedure.  My thoughts are more on after the procedure.  Dave tries to keep things light while we are in Outpatient Surgery waiting for our turn in the OR.  He keeps picking up things that are hanging around the room saying things like, "If you need suction.." or "Trust me.  I know what I am doing, I once stayed at a Holiday Inn."  Can you laugh and cry at the same time?

They wheel me up to the OR waiting area.  Dave and I meet the Anesthesiologist and my nurse, Tristan.  They get me all prepped.  Dave goes back down to the waiting room and they wheel me into the OR.  I remember going from the gurney to the OR table and then .....  I wish I could be totally out like that again.  No dreams.  No thinking.  No sadness.  No nothing.

The feeling you have when you are pregnant.  That full feeling, when you can feel that you are carrying a baby.  It is gone.  I think this is one of the hardest, saddest, most depressing parts of this whole experience and at the same time is the one thing that needed to happen to start healing.

Physically I feel OK.   I assume I am experiencing the usual discomforts that are expected.   Emotionally I am a wreck.

I know healing in all respects is just going to take time. 

I am so grateful to have Payton and Lincoln.   I am so glad I can hold them.   Every time Payton sees me start to cry she just runs over and gives me a big hug and kiss.   Lincoln will run up with a concerned look and say, "OK? OK?"

They definitely make healing a little easier.


*Stephanie Lance* said...

Oh Kim, my heart is broken for you and your family! I know how it feels to hear those horrible words "I can't find a heartbeat". I know the empty feeling and feeling like you can't go on! I am so sorry! The only thing that helped me was to think about the plan of salvation and that I would see my babies again! I know not much can help you now and it just takes time but if you want to talk, I am always here! I am thinking of you and praying for you!!

McKell&Janeene said...

Oh Kimberly, I am so sorry! I wish I lived closer and go visit and try to help take your mind off everything. You and your family will be in my prayers!

Sara said...

Kimberly, I am so sorry for the loss of this baby. It just breaks my heart that you've have to experience this. I've been through this experience too and its awful. The emptiness you described made me cry. I felt the same way. Heavenly Father and Christ know your pain and empty feeling inside. Lean on them, your husband, family and friends. You don't need to "be strong" right now. Its ok to mourn the loss of this little one for awhile. Take your time to heal. {hugs}

Jessie said...

This post just makes me so sad, Kimberly. We are all so, so sorry for your loss. But remember that that is really what this is--a loss of a child (on earth), and take all the time you need to mourn that. We're here for you whenever you need us. :)

Kathryn said...

Oh Kimberly, I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I also had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and when they did the ultrasound the baby had been resorbed and the sac was empty. I had another one that was only 7 wks. along, but I found out the same way you described with the ultrasound showing a baby with a heartbeat at 5 wks and not seeing a heartbeat at 7wks. I understand the feeling as you waited for the D & C to happen. If you ever want to talk, I'm here to listen. I'll say a prayer for you and your husband. I wish I could say something encouraging - it's just time and the love of friends and family that will eventual take the sting down, which you already know intellectually, but your heart probably isn't so sure. Take your time. If you ever need to talk I'll listen. <3